Thinking Aloud

It’s been 15 months on this new, unlooked-for leg of my journey. My weeks are still a mix of better days and sad days, sleepless nights and the occasional dream of my sweetie. But overall, I am surviving it all.

I still have nagging doubts: Did I do enough for him while he was here? Should I have done anything differently? Would it have been better for him if I had spent some time making goofy gifts or events for him to hopefully enjoy instead of just quietly spending time together even though he was always exhausted?

And then there’s thoughts about my new life: Would he still understand my life as it is now? What would he think about what I’ve become?

I am no longer the person he fell in love with, married, and shared his life with. The experience of losing him reforged me. I am different. I know it, I feel it inside. Would he love me again if we met now?

On my better days, these thoughts don’t intrude as often. On the harder days, they are never far from my mind. I had hoped that this long after his passing I would be further along in mentally processing the changes, the loss, the hopeless desire to change the past. But I am where I currently find myself – some days adrift, some days with my feet on what feels like semi-solid ground. It still feels like new territory and I continue to struggle to find my way around.

Home doesn’t feel like home without him. I live somewhere he’s never been. In a year or so, I will move to another house where he’s never been. I already think about what that will be like. I want to paint bright colors in the rooms. I want light, open spaces and views of the outside in every direction. I want art on every wall. I feel a need to make a new space that speaks of who I am now. I want to fill that space with love, joy, happiness, friendships, music, and laughter.

But right now… I am waiting. I am struggling, halfway between the darkness that grief cast over me and the light I long for, wanting to press forward but also to not let go of what was. This feels like a new stage in the journey. My posts are just me whistling in the dark for now. I will find my way, find my courage, carry on.

When the time is right, I will know. I will step forth from this twilight and truly start to live again. And he will still be in every beat of my heart, every thought, every dream. His laughter will echo through my soul and his love will light my days to come.